Friends die hard

You're going to need to hear me out for this post. I will sound absolutely ridiculous.

Good friends die hard.

I've noticed that as I've aged (or gone further into my undergraduate degree), I've discovered something about friends you make. They come and they go. The friends you hang out with outside of class may work out better but the ones that you only have a laugh with in class are done. They are finished as the term finishes.

I've let this hopeless despair grip my heart and I find that I just don't care anymore. The exam I have on friday, I only know one girl in class and I know that once that exam is over, I will never see her again or talk to her. And you know, this outlook really effects the way you interact with people. I invest a lot less and care a lot less about people. By a lot, I mean a lot less than I know I should and would like to.

I think this also has to do with the fact that I already have friends and maintaining anymore will just take a toll on my time. Still, I caught myself calling a friend tonight and asking if she found the prof and then hanging up feeling that I barely cared about the questions I asked.

I am so sorry for those who I've mentioned or those I have not but have treated in this way.

As I end my undergrad, I just have to say I wish I did it differently. Not regret in the sense of precise moments in time which I wished I reconciled but more of everything that characterizes my personality that I developed. I wish I had cared so much more. More than I would have wanted to care. I wish I had kept in contact a few friends who I don't have on facebook and never really got to hang out with.

This thought came to me because of you Styles. One of the many I thought I had killed off but you just won't let go, will you? Of all people too. I had thought to myself, we are too different, I am "religious" (whatever thoughts that may come into your head) and he is not really. Besides, he is a partier and I am not. We best go our separate ways.
And right now, when I thought I had had enough of these people calling and asking about my mom, you email me and tell me that you are praying for me and there for me.
I feel like I have disappointed you. Let you down. I was the one closing the doors.

Sometimes I think I do better off without religion, without all that crap that I put up on the windows of my life. People around me seem so much more real than me, so much more in touch.

So 22 years later, I wish I could have another go at it but I can't. All I can want is to change the future. To be actually who Christ would be if he was living my life. To care more than I want to. And to let go of this foolish dark world view.

The sun has set and let's see if it will rise and shine upon me tomorrow.