Fear

wow it's been over a week since i've posted for once. it's been a strange week though. After my last post, i had dinner at Olympia with the boys and then i went to an evening event for people who are considering full time ministry and that is what i wanted to talk about. That and my constant struggle with school. I guess i should begin with school since that has been the first and foremost on my mind.

It is november now and i am tired of school. It's been 2 months of nothing but assignments and projects and i can't keep on working. I felt this the most two nights ago when my project was due the next day. I didn't care at all. I just couldn't do it. I was tired of working and studying. This is almost for sure related to me not having very good study habits but more over i don't know why i am studying. I need to understand why i am doing anything before i do it. I go to work because i know i will get paid a certian amount, I eat because i know i will be full but when it comes to school, i can't justify the amount of work being put in for a letter grade. i'm sure i'll look back and see how much it paid off but you know it just feels like there are so many other things that could use my attention that seem more worthwhile.

but lets be honest daniel, that wasn't a very sound arguement for not studying and trying my best. The real reason for not trying hard, i think, is fear. Fear of failiure. Fear that if i give everything i have to give that i will still end up with a C+. I want to be smart as i'm sure you do. I want to suceed in school but it seems everytime i put in a little more effort than usual, nothing happens. I sometimes get a worse grade and i'm afraid that if i put my all into studying and end up a failiure i won't know what to do.

so what do i do? i don't try as hard so when i fail i am justified because i never put any effort into it. people have always built me up to make me think that i'm smart and i've sort of accepted that but what if it falls apart? what if the plane doesn't fly and we figure out that it was impossible in the first place?

love casts out fear. but i don't even know what that means and now i have to go back to doing something i don't know why i'm doing, knowing that i can't try hard because i'm afraid of the fall. i would rather settle for just getting by than risking it all for a chance at glory.

cowardly? i think so.