Choices

I am a big coward. I've said it before and now that I revisit it, it still holds true. Let me explain what I mean.

I hate making choices. I will avoid making choices most of the time and Joyce can vouche for me on this. This last year, I have been learning about the Will of God and I find that I have learned nothing. Well actually, I have learned alot but have not been able to apply or absorb all of it.

You see, one of the things I was learning was that the will of God isn't one of those things you can know by doing rituals. Things like fasting and prayer aren't going to reveal his will to you (although they help) but rather, you know his will through a daily relationship with him. It says in Psalms that His law is near his heart and so by knowing and obeying everyday, you know what he wants.

Alas, I have yet to scrape the surface of this truth. and here is my story...


Everytime I make up my mind concerning my car or that area of my life, something comes up and challenges me. It makes it extremely difficult to stay true to my conviction. The most recent example of this is last week. I had made up my mind to sell the Mercedes due to the large amount of expenses that it required to run and opt for a more fuel efficent Jetta TDI. I was at peace with God over this descision. Then my grandparents come to me and tell me they had just went to VW and they not only have tons of TDI's but also one elusive and seductive Golf GTI. It came in Candy White, 4 door with an automatic DSG. It was everything I wanted and it was the same price as the TDI. Things like this destroy my resolve. I am a sucker for these things and my heart beats a little faster when I see a car I really like. Funny but true story (and slightly sad)

So I prayed about it, that I would follow God's lead in this and pick the one he wanted me to pick. And when I asked Wing to pray for me, we got talking and the thing that he said that stuck with me is that we have choices. He told me that sometimes we can just choose. God allows it and wants us to just choose. Just as he choose.

Why did you have to say that Wing?

I was ready with my single strand thinking to do the thing God would have asked of me (or I thought he asked of me) and now you introduce this idea to me of choices. He trusts us to choose. And there is more than one choice. And they may be all right (right being relative)

So I choose.

I have long struggled with the idea that Christians can have nice things. Part of my planning to become a pastor included a nice gold 1995 Toyota Corolla or if i'm a real risk taker, I'll buy a Mazda3. Part of the reason I sold the Volvo was that I knew I would invest my life into it. I have never supported the idea that God doesn't demand us to give him all of our money but yet allows us to have our own things. I still don't support this idea but I had better not diverge on that matter and save that for another post I'm sure to write when I'm a poor or God willing, a rich pastor lol.

But I realized that the reason for me not wanting to choose the GTI lay not in the fact that it might take me away from my studies and perhaps the Lord but rather in the fear that if i choose, it would be a poor choice and I would have to change my choice. I didn't want to go through the pain I experienced when I had to sell the Volvo again. I had invested so much of myself into it, it was like ripping a limb off but a limb that was never meant to be there in the first place.

I realized we choose and he lets us but the important thing is not the choice. The important thing is that no matter which car I drive, the relationship that I have with the Lord will not change. It is such an amazing love that this decision is dwarfed in a sense. I made it bigger than it sounds but the truth be told is that when I read a Psalm a few nights ago...I rememebered and felt the Love of the Lord and my love for him. It was so much bigger than these two cars and my desires.

So I choose.

And I won't get the car til Monday which gives that painful possiblility and the anxiety that goes with it that I will have to change my mind. And I'm not ready. Honestly. I fear having to change my mind and do the right thing at a cost to me more than making the wrong choice. But God will be with me though...today...tomorrow...yesterday and forever...

and I sure hope he will lend me his strength to choose wisely and the humility to listen to wise counsel because I don't have it in me.