Closed

I have this problem
I am closed

I don't like to open up and share my feelings or my past.
I feel like it will change the way you look at me.
I am afraid that you will no longer see me as you do now.
so does that make me....fake?

I wonder about this alot. I actually am losing sleep over this as we speak. Am I too closed? Everytime I look at myself I can sense myself closing off and trying to hide things from others. I notice it in my conversations, dress and even on facebook.

I take off Christian on my facebook because I like to be subtle. I don't mention that i plan to become a pastor one day when people ask what I plan to do and I especially try to avoid wearing those "christian" clothings.

But honestly...those are nothing compared to what is really closed up inside. Those are the surface things I play around with but the real me is hidden and living in the shadows. I have so much darkness and evil in me.

Things I really cannot show the world. Stuff even I don't want to see. It's like looking in the mirror and trying not to look at the imperfections on my body but they are there. But i try to push them aside.
There sure is alot of darkness and secrets.

But is that what You want from me?
You say that you are light and there is no darkness in you. You say that even darkness is as light to you.

It seems like I am living my life in a poor manner. but the alternative is too much for me to handle
I am living with only pieces of my true self surfacing and pieces hidden in the shadows but you tell me to live exposed.

Exposed.

I hate that word. I never want to be like that...naked for all to see but if I believe you came to show us the best possible life, then I guess i should give it a try.



I noticed this closed problem today when I thought about sharing my testimony. In the summer I had done the scary thing of praying that I would have an oppurtunity to share it and I sort of did and I blew it. Now I don't even want to ask and heck I don't even think my story is worth listening to.

It is because of the darkness.
But maybe that is why some may listen. Because we all live in the shadows from time to time

I am dying to come out and come clean but it's just so hard.
I need help
help to be open and exposed because it's the best possible way to live

or so you tell me