Future

As I get along in age, I notice how much more I think about the future, my future in particular. If you are reading this and are younger than myself, you've probably not put much serious thought into what you are going to do with your entire life. If you are older, I cannot understand you because now I know how different things become when you get older.

I guess this mentality of getting older and understanding more can be related to death and the fact that our time is limited. With this in mind, I find myself concerned that I will not have enough time to fulfill all the things I want to accomplish on earth. By fulfill I don't mean really haughty and high ideals but rather simplistic dreams spawning from needs such as providing for my family and myself, attaining a family and spouse, and developing a fulfilling career.

And you know what they say about God, don't you? How he has plans to prosper you, not plans to harm you. And then you hear the other statement that often goes with that; that God will do more for you or has plans for you beyond your wildest dreams. Well I'm actually quite scared. I have come to believe recently that God has changed my calling.

At first, it was a calling to ministry that I felt an itching towards in my childhood. Then it developed into a pastoral call just last winter. And I thought to myself, I can do this. This is something I can accomplish. Then J asked me what I would do for a job if money wasn't an issue.

I said I would like to be a professor of theology.

and now the snowball has started to roll and I can't stop thinking about it. It's like everyday, the calling grows and grows but I am so scared because I'm not a strong student, not exactly what you would call the professor type, but I just love university. That's a bit of a confession. I feel alive when I'm researching something or if I hit the jackpot and arrive at the conclusion for my papers (only in religious studies I must note; I kind of loathe linguistics to some degree now).

I guess I should end this before it gets too long so I'll put this final point. I actually caught myself trying to discern God's will last week by trying to imagine what it would feel like or what it would be like if I was a prof. Trying to use feelings to know if the calling is true, how silly of me sometimes, I should know better but I don't. So I guess all I can say is, Here am I