at the foot of the mountain

A few more days and I will enter into my seeming destiny. But I feel like I've been here before. Standing on the edge of another new semester where all the opportunities and chances present themselves to me. The story usually plays out the same way though. I squander my potential. I fail. I give up.

So I'm here again at the foot of the mountain; hoping that it will be different but feeling no difference in myself. But this is my last chance isn't it? My supposed dream come true and my true calling and therein lies the fear. What if it isn't me? what will I do with the rest of my life? what if I'm destined to wander the desert and see but never enter the promise land?

And sometimes I feel like the chosen one. The eldest of my family with all these expectations laid upon my shoulders. And my mother, what a legacy to follow. I feel like in part what I do is because and for her but yet it is for myself and even for God. What if I should fail?

And I don't want to say expectations are bad but I always run from them. I hate that feeling of being observed but to some degree it will always be like that and I need to grow up, face the challenge.

Can I really escape who I was? Will seminary really be different? Is God still with me?

because where ever you go, there you are.