A Faith Like Abraham? Pt.2

i guess i should include some stuff that i might have left out
when i was going to sell my car, i divorced myself from it and swung completely the other way
a new car.
i obsessed over another new automotive on which i would pour my life
it was quite the struggle and it almost came to pass. luckily i decided to choose the mercedes as the new car. it had everything i wanted and yet was safely "un-moddable".
this swing happened probably a month ago and now here i am

in the middle of it all

it would only cost me a couple thousand to fix up the volvo and she would be back up and running in her former glory
and now i don't have any desires to modify it. I just want to drive it and get around

but can i handle it?
can i tame this horse?
i wasn't able to do it before and it took all i had to put it down but do i have what it takes to bring it back from the dead and ride it?
i don't know.

i wonder what abraham felt when he was able to take his son back
how would he love him knowing that God could at any time ask for his life again
or did he know that God would never ask again...
but then again, God is unpredictable
when we say "let his will be done on earth as it is in heaven" it is quite the mouthful
we are asking that God do whatever he wants without ever having to explain it to us or warn us
scary.
there is no security there

you know people say the safest place to be is in the arms of God
i'd say that they don't know the God abraham called God

i guess the final thought that comes up now is that i feel like moses in the desert trying my best to follow after the pillar of fire and the colomn of cloud
except there's a sand storm...
and we all know that they happen in the desert...it wasn't a fun journey...it was a desert
and now here i am
finishing this post
and searching
for the pillar of fire
but knowing
it is out there
still ahead of me
behind me
and all around me