The Problem of Pride

the danger with posting here is always going to be pride or what you, the readers think of my condition. i'm sure many of you think that i am some sort of guy who ascribes to holiness and righteousness. all the things i write sure make me sound that way. comparing myself with abraham and how i am tying the ropes tight for the sacrifice makes me sound like some sort of super holy christian. resentment will probably build up too and you will probably want me to stop my self righteous rambling. but i'm sure you know that i'm not. i don't even need to tell you because you probably can guess.

i am a great coward.

i'm afraid and greatly so whenever i face these trials. i post not of my strengths but of my weakness. i would tell you in person but i'm afraid you would interupt me with some sound advice and i would never be allowed to doubt. i don't write for you...i write for myself. for my fear so that when i look back, i can see and read and find comfort. because i can't stand the thoughts that God would strip me bare so that he could clothe me again with white. i don't really want white. i like my rags, like shoes that have been broken in and so i post, to jot down all the dirtiness that i cling to and all the areas of darkness that i secretly still have a fond liking for. i am no abraham...

if i were abraham, i would have no doubtably waited many days and asked for more signs from god. and when i got to the hill i would probably take my sweet time and build the altar slowly. i would probably fumble the knife too and maybe take a walk to make sure it was God. worse, i would probably let issac get away. tell him to run far away so that he may be saved.

there is nothing to be proud of here.

i am a great coward.